Marriage Series Session 4 - The Role of the Wife Part 1

I told you in talking about husbands that if you Google, “How to be a good husband,” in less than a second you get more than a billion results. Well, not to be outdone, if you Google, “How to be a good wife,” you get 2.2 billion results in 0.7 seconds! Overwhelming! Where do you start? This is a big problem! These are the thoughts racing through my head! The first article I read even said that the modern woman would probably have a problem even with the term, “good wife.” I begged God to take this cup from me…HA!!

The truth is after studying this intensely for quite some time in preparation for today I have found that one reason it is incredibly difficult to be a good wife is because so many opinions are out there as to what that actually means!

Greg Laurie, in his book “Married Happily,” tells a story about a man that was walking along a beach in Southern California and while walking he spotted an unusual-looking bronze object lying in the sand. He picked it up and began to dust it off, when all of a sudden, a genie appeared. The genie told him, “Master, I will grant you one wish.” “One wish? What happened to three wishes?” The genie shrugged his shoulders and sighed, “You know how it is, cut backs…” “Okay, I’ll tell you what,” the man said, “I love Hawaii but hate to fly. I wish for a highway from California to Hawaii, so I could drive there, that would be great!” “Give me a break!” the genie exclaimed, “There’s no way I could do that. Think of the logistics involved, the materials! It’s absolutely impossible! Choose something else!” The man thought about it for a while, “Okay, I think I have it now. I don’t understand women at all, especially my wife. My wish is that I would be able to understand her from this point forward.” The genie turned away for a moment, seemingly deep in thought. Then he turned back to the man and said, “Did you want two lanes or four!?” HA!
Thankfully, God has given us clear direction and clarity in the role of the wife and the wisdom of God, appropriately applied, covers all bases for all definitions. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

We start our discovery alll the way back in Genesis Chapter 1. Look at verses 26-28a. Woman is made for the exact same purpose as man…to reflect the image and likeness of her Creator. Think of image as shadow…think of likeness as similitude or manner. To fulfil your role as a woman in society, in the family, in your marriage, you must first fulfil your original design which is to know and to glorify God! Looks simply like this, God gets the “say so!” So how should you be as a wife? Answer this…what is God like?

1 Corinthians 10:13, God is faithful. 1 John 1:5, God is light that refuses and overcomes darkness. 2 Peter 3:9, God is patient. John 3:16, God is loving and He is giving. Numbers 23:19, God keeps His word. Psalm 18:30, God shields others. Psalm 116:5, God is gracious and righteous, full of compassion. God is the champion of the people, the giver of Himself, the defender of justice and the defeater of sin. God stands in the place of His own and takes responsibility for them, placing the needs of them over His own pain…God is love. And so, where you start, where the foundation must be laid for this discussion and for your marriage, you cannot be a good wife without being a good woman. And that is all about fulfilling your primary design and purpose of glorifying God…in His image, His likeness…and bearing much fruit.

Back in Genesis, Chapter 2, look at verse 18. “And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”” A primary aspect of being in the image and likeness of God, is to realize and resolve your original design and purpose as a woman, and undeniably, your original design and purpose is to be the comparable helper. This word for helper is extremely simple in the Hebrew…it simply means, one who helps. It’s also translated, the easer…this is interesting to me…because this is very against what I see as the natural tendency in many wives…but remember, to achieve God’s will you must activate and engage your second naturel…but typically women see the gray, while men tend to see the black and white, and instead of making things easier, wives you gotta watch this, many tend to make things harder.

I’ve heard it said, “Behind every angry wife is a husband who has no idea what he did.” HA! But you need to know this, please realize this, please pray on this and resolve…your role as a wife to your husband is not to make sure he is perfect towards you or perfect in his decisions…your primary calling is to help…and that means because of you, life and loving you even…is made easier. The primary role of the wife is to be your husband’s easer. Quite hard already, eh?

I heard a story once of an elderly laying in his bed taking in his last breaths. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the comforting aroma of his wife’s amazing cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'Back off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral!!'

HA! Comforting! HA! To help, his help meet some translations say and don’t miss this, this is mind blowing…why did God create the woman? To make sure stuff got done! HA! The world needed help! Man needed help! As much as your husband can’t and doesn’t say it…because it’s kinda embarrassing and goes against the “I can fix and do anything” image we wish we were, we need help! This is God’s design, His purpose, His reason, His calling…and yet in today’s world, to be thought of as the helper, even now I know some of y’all ladies are causing the temp in this room to rise!

Why? Sin. It’s as simple as that. An ambitious and prideful spirit. When you need to realize and resolve that God identifies Himself as the Helper! John 14:15-18! The helper…the Spirit of truth…to abide with you, to be in you (one with you)…against the current of the world and the contemplation of the flesh…but without this, you’re orphans…left alone without a home. Exactly the state Adam was in! Later in John 15:26 Jesus says that the Helper, God’s role as the Helper, is to point us continually to Jesus Christ! The conclusive fact is that every other time the world helper is used throughout the Old Testament, that same word in the Hebrew, the context and meaning is that of God helping man…this is how you become the woman God has created you to be…before it was all defiled by sin and the flesh…a good woman and therefore a good wife.

To be the helper, the companion, the collaborator, the backer, the partner, the accomplice, the easer…that does not make you lesser in any way! In creation all are equal, positionally with the Lord and in importance and ability…men and women are entirely equal… Galatians 3:26-29. The Bible calls male and female completely equal, co-heirs of the promises of God…and so being the helper does not make you lesser, what it makes you is role specific as a female, especially in the holy home of marriage.

One of the primary reasons we have such marital issues, problems and breakups in the church today is because the world, the flesh and the enemy have tricked the women into thinking that supporting and helping and respecting their husbands robs them of something…and yet you’re the one losing your marriage! It’s crazy! If you want to be a good wife you must first be a good woman…and good women help. Let me give you a few more words for help: benefit, guide, serve, support, cooperate, comfort, uplift and sustain. Are those good descriptors for what you do for your husband? Perhaps we have a bit of work to do here…not with you being a good wife…but to know your role as a wife and your role as a woman of God on this earth. I’m not saying this is easy or even “feels” right…I’m saying this is God’s word and God’s will…truly if it was easy and comfortable in the flesh then it cannot truly be holy and of God. And so being a good woman, a good wife, certainly includes the narrow and difficult path.

Hooligans had set fire to a farmer's haystack which then spread to his barn.
While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $60,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don't give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.” HA!!

For real though…I can’t even begin to talk Ephesians 5 with you until you realize and resolve that this whole thing, not just marriage, but life isn’t about you…it’s about Jesus. If you have no heart to serve your husband then the root of it is truly that you have no heart to glorify God…because God, being the GOAT, God in the flesh, when He knew He had one day left to live…He chose to serve His enemy! And your husband is not your enemy! He IS you…you are one…so stop fighting him and turn your weaponry on the flesh! Pray for him, pray for your own heart, sow to the Spirit…grow in your walk with the Lord! Because the longest four letter word is coming next…turn over to Ephesians Chapter 5…

Ephesians 5:22. I want you to see this and for this to be clear to you. Wives, submit to your own husbands. This is the word of God. This is the will of God and this is God’s call upon you as a wife. I believe there are two primary reasons why this is such a problem of a verse. First, this verse is not only misunderstood, but it is misapplied. Misunderstood by both women and men, wives and husbands and misapplied mostly by husbands. Let’s make sure we understand this verse first.

To submit to your husband in no way makes you lesser than him. I wouldn’t even have to say that or teach that unless as a collective whole, many women have an insecurity here…perhaps caused by chauvinistic abusive behavior or perhaps caused by some women themselves. It’s honestly probably both. The folks that work for me at my place of work, the staff I have here at the church, because of my position as the lead, they work with me and for me and we make great progress…but just because they report to me at work or are accountable to me in ministry…it’s ridiculous, a ridiculous thought that they should think of me as something or someone more than them.

Jesus called out to God the Father that night in the Garden of Gethsemane in Matthew 26:39 and we read He said, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” What is that? Jesus submitting to the Father. And yet it is clear throughout so many scriptures and we know it to be true, Jesus is equal to the Father. In fact, they are One.

The Holy Spirit not testifying of Himself but Jesus said that when He comes, He will testify of Me. And yet it is clear throughout so many scriptures and we know it to be true, the Holy Spirit is God, equal and One with the Jesus and God the Father. But what is that? Submission, why? Not because they are out-ranked…this is a huge piece of understanding that is needed…

Ephesians 5 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands,” why? Because he is better than you, out-ranks you and you’re just a lowly servant. Have you really bought that lie? When you reject submission, you prove that you have… Your husband does not out-rank you in the economy of God. Many pastors teach and it’s easy to do so because it’s like a “sit down and shut up” end to the conversation, its easy, but I’ve heard it preached that this word submit in the Greek is hypotasso which is a military term that speaks of submitting to one who is a higher rank…I believe leaving it ther that is a travesty…why? Because I cannot reconcile that with scriptures such as Galatians 3:28…

Here's the heart of the Lord. His desire is for the home to be stable. For it to be an environment conducive to furthering His purposes, His love, His will, His truth on this earth. That simply cannot happen without order, without a plan…so there are roles, expectations and duties to be carried out by the husband and likewise by the wife. And so, in one way, it is not unlike the military in terms of roles, order and authority…BUT…it is completely unlike the military when it comes to rank.

Submission by the wife to the husband in the home is not submission because he is her superior but rather because of the position he holds in the home. Think of it this way…military with order, without rank. That is exactly what we see in the relationship between God the Father and God the Son. Neither outrank another…they are equal…but such that the home may be stable, the love and will and truth of God be made known and such that salvation may be present, there is a willful submission by God the Son unto God the Father. It is military. There is order. There is authority. But it is the wife willfully placing herself under the rank of her husband, even though they are absolutely equal. That invites the ease, folks.

Try this as well. Submission in the home of a wife to her husband is not and should not be submission to the will of the husband. That’s not what Ephesians 5 speaks of…but rather it is the willful submission of the wife to the husband in order to bring about (not the will of the man) but the will of God. And so therefore there are limitations to submission.

First, your allegiance to God should never be violated by your allegiance to someone else. Man or woman alike. Ephesians 5:22 says submission is unto the Lord. If what is being asked of you by your husband is against what God would have you to do then you are not to submit to your husband…you are to submit to God.

Also, women are not to be in submission to all men. “Wives, submit to your own husbands…” This is another limitation to submission that folks don’t know and it muddies the waters. The Bible instructs us to submit to appointed authorities, bosses, masters, fathers, mothers and your own husbands…

Ultimately, we are all to submit to the heart and will and ways of God. Bring the Gospel, bring the heart of God to your marriage, wives. Bring the comfort and kindness and love to your relationship with your husbands. Not because your husband is good, but because God is good. Submit as unto the Lord. Colossians 3:23-24 says, “Whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ.”

Truly so many homes have so many problems today because we have bought the lie that doing it God’s way will cause us to lose…when the truth is…doing it any other way is the invitation to the enemy to steal, kill and destroy the love relationship God has designed specifically for you and your husband…