Marriage Series Session 6 - Money and Intimacy
Truly, these two topics, money and intimacy could be series in and of themselves. We absolutely have to spend some time talking about them though for several reasons. First, these are tough topics to talk about…they can be confrontational topics and certainly uncomfortable topics and so if we don’t talk about them here, they may never get worked out at all. Second, as I mentioned to you last week, these two topics are the main issues in most marital difficulties. Intimacy may not be the cause and money problems may not be the genesis of the disagreement, but it’s interesting how one of the two, (and typically its problems with or lack of intimacy), that ultimately drive the husband and the wife apart…
Most importantly perhaps, you can be the good husband as we’ve learned and the good wife as we’ve explained, but if your marriage is not in alignment in terms of these topics, especially intimacy, you could yet still miss the marriage God has designed and intended for you and worse yet, you could lose the marriage altogether.
These may sound like small issues…like little problems, but it’s interesting how the little things are the big things. If the enemy can’t have your soul, your heart, your faith, your hope, your life…he switches to a most potent and effective strategy of selecting and targeting the little things that will undermine the big things. Dwight L. Moody once said, “There are many of us that are willing to do great things for the Lord, but few of us are willing to do little things.” Here’s the truth, I pray you figure this out sooner rather than later, if you won’t do the little things, then, in the long run, you will lose the big things…
Turn over to Song of Solomon, chapter 2 and look at verse 15. “Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vines have tender grapes.” Catch them. Take them, hold them, possess them, grasp them, seize them. Don’t just let them be, don’t just let them ‘pan out’ the way they will. But be considerate, be aware, be active…because if you don’t, they will spoil the vines…corrupt the vine, destroy it, travail it, bind it…oh my the frustration and loss in a marriage when two Godly people who love each other become bound by the flesh and miss out on a good godly marriage, why? Because there is no will to fight for goodness, or there is no knowledge of how to fight or no understanding of what on earth to do! I’d like to help today…in a most likely uncomfortable conversation, but you’ll leave out of here knowing you need to fight for awesome intimacy in your marriage, you need to fight for financial alignment and freedom…and I am going to tell you how to fight.
Here’s the thing, the “why.” In the vineyard of my life, my ministry, my career, my job, my parenting, my responsibilities, my faith and especially my marriage to April, I will not settle. I simply won’t do it. I am genuinely confused when I see a man and a woman, a husband and a wife, for that matter a kid and a parent, an employee and a boss, when they are at odds…HOLDING the ability to be made well…and yet they choose misery. Oh, how the heart of the Lord breaks…when He has done all that is possible and given every little thing necessary for all of us to not breath to death but to live filled with love, joy, peace, power, purpose, patience, character and awesomeness. I’m a Christian. And part of that means that I don’t have to and that I’m done settling and I’m done forcing April to settle. We are now fox hunters and our vineyard looking grapey!
Money is an excellent servant, and yet it is the cruelest of masters. There are two things you need to do, agree upon as a couple, in order to make money your servant and stop taking orders from dead presidents and start taking orders from a living Savior. First, you need to honor God with your money. And second, you need to love your spouse MORE than you love money.
If you are not honoring God with your money here’s what’s happening behind the scenes, in the subconscious of the soul…your heart is being torn away, moved away from the Lord and you’re putting yourself in a position outside of God’s order of blessing. Matthew 6:21 says, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Every penny you have has been provided by God and yet so few acknowledge that by honoring Him with the tithe and because of it, your heart hides in a way from the Lord. You say the tithe is Old Testament…I say you have a worship disorder. New Testament giving is love the Lord with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, ALL your mind and ALL your strength.
And so, what we have is a husband that worships and a wife that serves and yet together they have not purposed to sacrificially honor God with their giving and so a bit of each of them (behind the conscious scene) doubts themselves and doubts each other in terms of their allegiance and genuineness…why? Because where the faith really materially practically counts, there hasn’t been that commitment between them or that leadership of the husband to worship God and place Him first.
And so the house gets bigger and better and the debt begins to pile and the clutter accumulates because you’re both looking for satisfaction in the provision God has given but that satisfaction is found in purposing to honor God with it…your heart given to the things of the world practically and not to God is you investing in the world and not in the things of the Lord. As a couple, a marriage team, as one, you need to come together and discuss your giving. And you need to validate your faith in your giving.
You say, well we know we can’t give. We don’t make enough and we have too many bills…every bill you have you have chosen. And so, dig out…start now…need help, let’s review your expenditures line by line…but dig out and know this, you can have the conversation now. You say, well I don’t make enough or I am between jobs, get a job. Nothing is beneath the person who is looking to honor those that he loves. Look at what Jesus endured…consider what Joseph endured…
Here’s what’s happens in too many lives and marriages…Isaiah 55:2, “Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy?” When the promise of God is given in Malachi 3:10, “Bring all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and try me now in this, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you such blessing that there will not be room enough to receive it.”
Show each other that you are committed to the Lord and that your devotion is genuine. Protect your home from what the enemy wants to do…make money your master. Honor God with your money. And love your wife more than you love numbers…and love your husband more than you love numbers. This is the call of God and the traps that you must set to catch the little foxes. If you don’t, money will continue to be a place of contention rather than a place of blessing in your marriage. Imagine, you don’t have enough to buy that thing, the money isn’t piling up like her father was able to do for her…but you’re giving unto the Lord, investing in Him, honoring God and you both know it…so there is a peace in the little things…and they are no longer despised, they are now respected…that’s just one practical result of walking in wisdom financially…there are many more…
Here are a few other quick practical tips. One of you should be the money manager. One of you is better with money. So rather than divide the accounts and divide the responsibility, have the conversation, and one of you serve the other. Also, one account. It’s not her money and my money. Get over yourself. These little foxes destroy, start hunting.
Let’s switch gears to intimacy. Intimacy, at its core, really isn’t just about sex. Men, write that down. Women know that already. They’re like duh while all the men are so confused right now. Listen up, understand, don’t ever forget, when it does come to sexual chemistry in a marriage, I’ve heard it described this way and it is ultimate truth! Men are like microwaves! Always ready to make that meal QUICK. Get to it! Pop that corn! 1 minute and 30 seconds and we are READY! While women are like crock pots. Plug it in and get that thing started before you leave for church so that at dinner time, it’s ready and it’s throughout the whole house! Men, don’t ever forget this! You need to know this!
Intimacy in a marriage is simply about how close you and your spouse are as a committed, loving and affectionate team. And that INCLUDES the physical event of sex but understand, God has designed women (for the most part, sometimes in rare cases, this is reversed…it’s the man) but for the most part, God has designed women and what they desire in terms of intimacy as a direct reflection of how He desires closeness with us. He takes no pleasure in someone who emotionally and spiritually and whole-heartedly worships Him in the church worship service and then spends no time with Him outside of church. HEART-BREAK! He wants to be with us, love us, speak with us, commune with us, constantly…God’s design and desire for intimacy is a constant thing…and here is why so many are frustrated in their marriages.
Men frustrated because the event is a non-event and women frustrated because their husbands are clueless and acting like pouty animals! HA! So, please, let me help.
First, very serious stuff, this is for married folk! If you are not married, you are not intimate. That’s a fact. If you’re having sex, you’re not having intimacy because there is no covenant connection. You cannot have an intimate walk and connection with God, there is no communion with God, without covenant relationship. So, it is with humans. If you’re having sex outside of marriage then you are not only outside the will and command of God but you are doing two things.
First, very serious stuff, you are proving something to eachother who may or may not be your future spouse. The most important person to you is God and yet God has commanded. So, you are proving to one another and really to yourselves that you can be unfaithful to the Person most important to you…red flag. Why would you ever ever ever want to marry someone who is so conflicted and dishonest…?
The second thing you’re doing is that you are, or already have created a situation, where sex in your marriage will be harmed. You’re setting yourself up for sexual problems when you are married…why? Because sex outside of marriage is different than sex in marriage and now the water is muddy…if this is you then today is the day to stop and let the Lord heal you. Exodus 15:26 says, “If you diligently heed the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in His sight, give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you which I have brought on the Egyptians…for I am the Lord who heals you.”
God heals. God created sex. He created it for marriage. His idea…its not a bad thing at all…it’s the best thing of all…but look at what the enemy has attacked and cheapened! Turn over to Song of Solomon, Chapter 7, and just look with me at verses 1 and 2! This is the word of God! These are not the best lines anymore though, HA! They’re not as good as, “I went on a mission with my church, but all I ended up doing was missing you!” HA! “Girl, you are so unblemished its difficult not to just sacrifice you!” HA! Ok, my point is that sex is God designed, passion and desire and affection and intimacy, all His thing…and I can’t stress this strongly enough: a marriage devoid of romance and sexual appreciation with each other is not how God designed marriage to function.
Physical intimacy is not optional in marriage. When you, husbands, ignore this God-given gift and truly His will and command to cultivate intimacy and romance with your wife, she is left with a void in her soul. Your romantic and sexual advances have tremendous power to set her apart as a woman and affirm her value. But rejection in the bedroom places her on emotional quicksand. She’ll spend hours, even days or more, trying to understand why she is so undesirable. Flip it around the other way and when you wives do not prioritize intimacy with your husband it leaves him frustrated and even resentful. An insecure frustrated wife and a resentful frustrated husband make everything harder. Every other issue…mole hills become mountains.
You gotta fix this!! How much better would life be, the marriage be, the home be, the day be, the life be if she was the fascinating virtuous goddess always with a hint of promise towards pleasure and he was the irresistible magnetic hunk, always with an air of preoccupation with the hotness of his goddess!? You know what!? Not only can it be that way, not only SHOULD it be that way, but that is the WAY God designed it all! Go and read Song of Solomon in total…HA!!
So, let me give you some extremely practical things, and one I know will shock you, on how you go and fix this TODAY. How about I start with that one… We’re fed this idea that we should only have sex when we’re “in the mood.” This is how unfulfilled, sexless marriages happen. One of y’all isn’t “in the mood” and doesn’t think he or she needs to be, and therefore the partner with the higher libido, or the desire, or just simply the NEED, feels ashamed or rejected for wanting sex. This leaves one partner feeling hounded for sex all the time and the other feeling pathetic for wanting it—not a healthy relationship at all.
I implore all married couples! This is my commandment! HA! That’s how important this is and YOU NEED TO DO THIS. Sit down with your wife, your husband, and discuss a sex schedule! Yup. An agreement that both of you will hold to no matter how the days goes or whatever, that no matter what, sex is going to happen. Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday…no matter what…sex nights! And then you hold to it!
This is freedom. This is health. This is strategy. This is wisdom. Look, if a man (typically it’s the man, sometimes it’s the woman), if a man knows that there will be sex tonight, he’s free to now just be thankful, appreciating, comfortable, not wondering…and the flirting will happen. Why? Because he knows the night is coming! Take that away and…well have you ever seen a dog eat? No enjoyment! No savoring! They just wolf it down! Why? They have NO IDEA when they are going to be fed again! So, they are desperate! Same with a man…the schedule takes the desperation out of it all and the manipulation out of it all…so set the schedule, hold to it. Don’t ever miss unless there is business travel or someone is sick or whatever…but if its possible, even if you’re fighting, it’s happening.
All these problems in marriages I’ve seen…my question, how’s your sex life? Typical response, HA! What sex life! Go away, have sex at least three times a week for the next four weeks…and guess what, they typically don’t need to come back. Why? Because they are connecting, coming together…anyone who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography! All of the tertiary pervasive problems that exist because of a break down in intimacy are gone, and they can handle their own problems now! No, it’s not that they love each other, its that they ARE LOVING each other! And hearts heal…because this is what God has commanded. So, schedule up and throw in a bonus night in every now and then! DO IT!
An article I read says that the average is once a week and 15% report they haven’t in the past six months. Pathetic!! Listen, you need to be coming together! Regularly and often or the connection won’t be there! Intimacy is the key. It is the only thing you share with your spouse that no one else on this earth has with you…without it, you’re just roommates…a couple of other tips.
Anything goes! People ask me this often. What’s ok to do and what’s not ok to do? Easy answer. Do whatever you want to do…just keep it between you and him, you and her. No one else needs to know and NO ONE else should ever be included. Hebrews 13:4 says, “The wedding bed is not defiled.” So, if you want to dress up like storm troopers and chase each other around the house, close the blinds and game on!
More, take the TV out of your bedroom and put the phone down, especially on sex nights. Talk about NOTHING else once you are getting to it. Don’t dilly dally. Get the kids to bed and get to it! Prioritize intimacy in your marriage. If you don’t you’re inviting the fox into the vineyard and before you know it, the spark is gone…don’t allow that to happen…
Remember, you can be the good husband as we’ve learned and the good wife as we’ve explained, and if your marriage is not in alignment in terms of these topics, especially intimacy, you could yet still miss the marriage God has designed and intended for you and worse yet, you could lose the marriage altogether.
These may sound like small issues…like little problems, but it’s interesting how the little things are the big things. What we’ve discussed today, this is how to fight for what God has already given you that the enemy is doing a wondrous job at destroying! We always try to fix the big things, worry about the big things, listen the big things are for the Lord to fix…His call to us is to do the little things, that’s what we can do…so I pray today you walk away with a call to arms in your own marriage. On all that we’ve covered in this series. Letting love reign, serving each other and serving the Lord with your marriage. Being a good woman and a good man as an inroad to being a good wife and a good husband…and then to handle these two areas that demolish love…handle them with wisdom and aggression, that God may be honored in your life and your marriage. And I gotta say, the best way to honor God is to receive all that He has secured for us by His blood…in the midst of this preview to hell that life can be, the children and trusters and worshippers of God will overcome this world and live this life as the preview to heaven God has purposed.